The dreaded call from the concerned girlfriend came yesterday:
Her: "So you're not working now, why don't you put up a personal ad? You need to get out more."
Me: "No time. Very busy."
Her: "You're not busy. You're sitting at home, reading War and Peace to your plants so they'll grow faster".
Lying bitch. While the cat might appreciate Tolstoy, the plants really seem to prefer InStyle.
My life these days consists of trying to cook without using butter or oil, going to the gym (damn crafty goes right to my ass), The Simpsons reruns, begging The Blonde to stop dating D-List train wrecks and trying to organize my closets. Should I throw out something that's now two sizes too small and out of fashion, but for which I paid a small fortune?
On second thought, girlfriend has a point. I do need to get out more.
So, I put up an ad, and then deleted it a day later.
The responses I got fell into the following categories:
a) HeY CutIE!!!!! ur HOTT!!!!!Plz snd phne number sos we CaN taLk nd I can be sure uR really not a dude, Peace.
b) 16 paragraphs of self-absorbed drivel that I couldn't even finish reading.
c) Outright lies
d) Photographs of someone's penis
e) Inquiries as to whether I was 'down with (insert stomach-turning perverted activity here).'
Single's not looking so bad right now.
Besides, the plants really do need to know if green is the new black.